journaled thoughts.

I'm going to go ahead and just be completely vulnerable with you here. 

my blog, my thoughts, my vulnerability. 

please just...be nice, okay? 

I've been struggling with figuring out whether or not I should share more or less, if this open-bookness lifestyle is really worth it and good for me. Up until writing this I was feeling more of the "let's work on closing yourself up and stop sharing yourself so easily, okay? okay. ready, go."  

Buuuut here I sit, about to share some of my JOURNAL with you. lolwut.

I like to think my journal is full of some pretty great "wisdom", little drunken nuggets you could say. Since I can't have each and every one of you over for dinner and have these conversations with you, here's the next best thing. 

put it on the INTERNET YEAH! 

for example, on august 29th I wrote "I LOVE YOU SELF!" 

that's pretty cool, you guys. 

let me tell you something bigbigBIG.

that self love right there, ^^^ me being able to actually write out those four words...that's brand spankin' NEW and it feels SO GOOD. I'm finally living my life in a way I believe we all should. I want you to love the hell out of yourself too, think of yourself as the most beautiful creature to ever roll out of your bed every.single.morning, raccoon eyes and all. again and again and again.

I don't think we should waste a single second not loving ourselves. 

that's what we are, beautiful creatures with feelings and emotions and thoughts and we should each be heard. 

you are never ever alone, even on your loneliest, hardest of days.

so, for no particular reason besides me just showing up and being open and feeling like today is a good day to be vulnerable...here are some things I'd like to share with you, just because. 

Spend your days doing what makes you feel like it's of great importance to your happiness. Like it's required. or recommended. for your happiness - DO IT! 

it feels good and it makes your days extra great.

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I'm not wearing sunscreen. It's been a few hours since I've applied any. Yet here I am, sitting on the beach, the blistering heat on me, probably burning. June is drawing our scenery next to me, we're sitting on my favorite sheets of my parents - little sailboats and planes. reminds me of them. It's beautiful here. Taylor Swift's 22 just came on. We're about to sing so loud to this song, I just know it. Life is good. 

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I'm so lucky to have gotten away from him now, as early as I did. She was right, this is on him. HE is the toxic one, he told me that from day one. I hope his summer helped him with that, but it's not my business anymore. I can do so much better.

When I'm ready. 

My future person will pursue me, I'll never have to question his love for me, his feelings, nada. They will be good huggers and give them often. I'll feel safe in his arms and find home there. He'll respect me and my alone time and the time with my people. He'll be my main person eventually, but he'll know he's not the only one. He'll adore my sense of adventure and push me to never stop. He'll bring out the very best of myself everyday. He'll listen when I talk, call just to say hi and bring me flowers often, even when I don't deserve them. 

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just led myself in SUCH an amazing yoga class in my room! Had my favorite yoga mat, all my favorite goodies next to me - set intentions of healing my loss - of fort collins, my 23rd year, all the heartbreak of this summer, loss of friends, etc. trying to focus on what I will gain from the rebirth that always comes after destruction. My candles are lit, incense burning, sleepy time tea next to me too.

It was special. It's mine. 

Pink Floyd came on - wish you were here.

missing my girls.  

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June and I are camping with the gang in Yosemite, everyone is napping, I'm hammocking. I'm left alone with my thoughts, sober, for the first time in too long. 

Yosemite makes me think of him, I miss him more than I wish I did. 

But I know now, I'm lucky. I'm so, so lucky to have had this amazing, incredible time with such a special guy. To feel love in a new, sacred way, to have learned all kinds of important life lessons from him. Truly eye-opening and life changing relationship is what he gave me. He showed me what the best looks like and he set me free to go find it - we both knew it wasn't in each other.

and that's okay. 

You are still worthy - of love. and happiness and joy and success. 

and they will all continue to come. YOU are doing this. YOU are surrounding yourself with beautiful people and things and experiences. YOU are coming up with ideas and making connections and new relationships. YOU are saying no to assholes who don't deserve your time. You are choosing what to fill your days with, your moments, your camera, your HEAD. You're listening to your body and your heart and you're crying when you need to and you're asking for help when it's necessary. 

YOU are worthy. 

of love.

and happiness. 

and joy.

and success. 

and good food and great people. YOU are the Prius driving, bike rack, tire changing TRAVELER. you can do hard things. You've done hard things your whole life. 

You've got this.

(and so do you.)

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do things that provoke conversation. and thought. 

and feelings. 

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I should start a blog post that says, "how it feels to be basically basic - only sometimes but not really" and it should talk about labels and how they don't really fit so well. Why do we need to label anything? ourselves, our actions, our feelings? Why do we have to fit anything into any kind of box? I have always wanted to fit into 2 different boxes (or 7, depending on the day, the music I'm listening to...) , but they've always conflicted each other. 
I'm making a new fucking box. 
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Today is the day. 

Today is our trauma day. 

7 years ago today.

She's on her way over and I already feel better.

I'm so lucky to have such a friend, to know her so well and build strength for myself through her. 

grateful. so $%#*$@ grateful.

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We need to catch these kids YOUNG because life is too damn short to not love yourself EVERY SECOND. 

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Earlier this month I said to my friends, "you guys. OMG. He unfollowed me on Instagram." 
*eyerollemoji* um. What kind of life am I living where THAT is a sentence that UPSET me?! (a good one, I know that much, but STILL!) I needed help with that - that someone who once loved me to the core and dropped everything to come to me once upon a time, also dropped me on social media. 
it deeply upset me.
which upsets me. 

there's so much more to life, c'mon now. 
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sometimes it's best to just leave the bandaid on. You know how it got there, you know what the wound looks like, it needs healing forever more. 

Just leave the damn bandaid on and stop peeking.

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She died today. 

In a one car car accident. I used to know her and have sleep overs with her in high school and she died today. 

She was too young. And kind and silly and strong, so strong. I don't even know her anymore and she died today. 

Today was the day June and I felt off. I was grumpy, something just didn't feel right. For what we felt like was no reason, but it got us to safety. My grumpiness got us home. It gave us a tomorrow, it gave us a clear reason eventually, as it always does. These are life's lessons, this is how we learn. 

We go and see and move and feel and the reasons continue to reveal themselves and life just keeps getting better. 

She died today, may she rest in peace. 

At such a young age, too soon to go. She impacted so many of us, in little and big ways, and may she continue to do so.

Thanks for getting us home.