having something to say.

I haven't been here in a while. 

a long while, it seems.

it feels weird - to sit here - with this blank white page staring back at me - hoping I can fill it with words. 

with feelings and thoughts. 

to sum up whatever it is I've maybe been avoiding to say. or to somehow find the words to express whatever mass amount of feelings that have been living on inside me, while this blog, this page, this space, has not. 

I've been wanting to come back here, back to this place. 

to share with you (and you and you) about whatever it is I'm able to share. 

whatever it is that keeps you coming back.

whatever it is that gets you to check up on me, either here or in real, human-to-human life, asking me if I still do this, if I still write, if i still blog. 

I've been trying to find the balance of over sharing and staying private - figuring out where it is that I fit. Knowing myself now in a different way than I have before, figuring out where this blog fits in this life of mine. 

I'm still an open book.

I still overshare.

I still sometimes turn nice, happy moments into uncomfortable, silent ones almost effortlessly and mostly very accidentally, by sharing tidbits about my job or my personal life or a feeling or thought I've had. 

I still turn on "my therapist"ness with my friends and family and other people I may interact with, far too often. 

I still call and text people when I'm thinking about them, just to say hi. 

I still write furiously in my journal.

I know I have something to say. many things, in fact. 

I just feel like I've lost my voice. 

I think it's temporary - because here I am, trying.

In the brief time that I've been away from this space, we've moved into a new year, we've gotten a new president...I've moved homes, I've driven across the country three times, I've left the country and ugly cried not wanting to come back. 
I've narrowed down what it is I'm looking for, for the time being at least...I've gained a little muscle and more emotional strength and have gotten a face full of freckles, all which I hope will last longer than a week. I've yelled and screamed and been angry at the people close to me. I've sobbed and felt hopeless and small. 

I've watched movies and listened to new favorite songs until I've hated them. I've welcomed new people into my life and said goodbye to many toxic ones. 

I've fallen in love with yoga and how it makes me feel and clears my brain. 

I've helped move my grandma into a home and have watched my families' strength through that process. 
I've celebrated holidays with welcoming strangers and given some of my favorite, best thought out gifts to some of my favorite people. I've taken smoosh to the vet too many times -_- and have finished incredible books. 
I've held hands of people who have just had a heart attack and sat next to those who felt like they couldn't make it another day. I've watched the sunset almost nightly and looked at the stars and the moon as regularly as I can think of it. I've been awakened by the sunrise and a pink pikes peak and have had many slow-to-start mornings, my fav.

I've despised and hated men close and far from me, all while longing for the day I find a new one to love, wishing I could have someone to come home to, missing those years in my life when I did. 
I've taken and failed a really important test and have since procrastinated taking it again. I've felt used and been stalked and been afraid of my families' safety. I've felt welcome and loved with people I've met a single time.
I've climbed multiple mountains in these few months and have gone on hikes that are more beautiful than the last.

I've interviewed and applied, and applied and interviewed and have been rejected over and over and over. I've said no to some job offers and strange men too, and coffee dates with friends I used to sort of know. I've completed an incredible training that I'm anxious to put to use and have opened my own therapy practice. 
I've wanted to stop caring and to check out for moments, stop being the adult in the situation and be carless like the people around me. I've felt under qualified and belittled as well as big and important and capable of helping and initiating positive change. I've supported and been there for my upset friends, even when I needed it from them the most. 
I've slept for 2 hours a night, tossing and turning, and 14, dreaming and snuggling with smoosha. I've gotten life changing compliments and support from strangers and those I love the very most. 
I've had my perception of life flip flopped and warped and changed and tweeked and warped and changed all over again. 
I've kept putting one foot in front of the other and making the best of the tough days and moments. 
the last few months have been FULL, can you tell?

life is sooo so good lately, I've been learning and growing and taking care of myself and it's GOOD. but the hardness of it all, the brutalness and unfairness of life, still continues on.
but I refuse to surrender my days to the definition of bad - only allowing moments to do so, and not ever full days. we can know this horrible, awful stuff, whatever it may be, is happening, we can feel that in our deepest point, it can shake our soul and scare us for what's to come. we can be in that pain, that intensity and feel it...and then do something about it - even if it's just taking that next breath - that exhale - and moving forward. yes we are small but our actions can be big, much bigger than us. sulking in the sadness is only beneficial for so long. 
having bad moments doesn't have to take away the good days. life is too short for a long string of bad, in my opinion. 

and that's just life, right?
that's how it is. 

back and forth and back again.
as one of my favorite storytellers put it - it's brutiful - beautiful and brutal. 
there can still be beauty in the brutal pain - you just have to want to find it. 

this, too, shall pass, my friend, as it always seems to do <3 

Some of the Good Stuff about Alzheimer's

As some of you know, I've spent the last month or so in Northwest Arkansas - puttering around, getting to know a new area, soaking up fall in a different place other than Colorado (Arkansas is only just okay at fall, Colorado takes the gold there. ;)).

While here, I get to spend most of my time with my grandmother, which has been quite a treat. 

I make us eggs most mornings for breakfast. We talk about the weather and the leaves and different people and how they are each day. 

I get to tell her about my parents a lot, which I love. 

We sit at her window and watch the cars drive by, talk about how funny cars look these days, how weird it is that most of them have 4 doors now. 

We look at her old pictures and I show her mine too.

Sometimes she tells me stories of how much fun her and my Grandpa used to have, how they'd hop in a car at any hour of the night and just go. 

We remind each other often of what a great man he was, how all of us kids have high standards for what a marriage should look like now, all because of them and their love for each other.

She talks about her oldest girlfriends and how she doesn't know if they're even alive anymore. I tell her about my best girls too, tell her "thank you for reminding me to hold them close forever and ever and always write down their new addresses or phone numbers." 

She tells me about her brothers and her parents, how terribly she misses them. She remembers her childhood every now and then - what it was like growing up on the farm, being daddys' girl. 

We have that in common.  

She's grateful for those memories now, the good ones that come back every now and then. 

She asks me who I am everyday in one way or another. Some days she understands I'm her granddaughter, other days she just knows I'm a friendly face. 

No matter what she thinks, she's happy to have company and I'm happy to have her happy. 

We get to know each other over and over a little bit each and everyday. 

Somedays I'm successful in getting her to go outside with me too. 

Sometimes we just go for a drive to get her out of the house. Or to the lake or recycling center, or end up at a park or the grocery store for more ice cream. 

Grandma and I eat a lot of ice cream. 

Today I took her to a park right by her house. I walked her dog down the street a ways as she stood and watched us. At one point when I looked back at her, she was looking up at the enormous, beautiful oak trees filling the sky. The wind blowing down the yellow leaves on us, the weather was perfect - a chilly, fall crisp in the air but the sun shining bright.

She looked extra small and her face was in awe - silent wonderment. 

like the beauty of this massive tree stopped her and stole all of her attention. 

For a moment, she forgot about me - she stopped worrying about her dog or where her purse was. She focused in on the tree and all it had to offer and looked completely fascinated at this enormous, beautiful thing in front of her.

 Alzheimer's, at the very least, makes a person slow down, slowing down others around them too - all of the sudden there's time and reason to stop and notice the simple, now "new-to-you" things, despite how often you've seen it before.

 recognizing life's beauty over and over and over again. 

She slows down and she slows me down with her, just by being in awe - by being curious. 

 While I wish I could give her all of her memories back and take away this awful disease, she is continuously teaching me to enjoy the little stuff, which I think she'd be very happy about. 

each day here looks quite similar, but I seem to be learning something new everyday.

today's reminder to slow down and enjoy the view, even if you see it everyday, was a good one.

thanks for being a great teacher, grandma. ;)  

xo

journaled thoughts.

I'm going to go ahead and just be completely vulnerable with you here. 

my blog, my thoughts, my vulnerability. 

please just...be nice, okay? 

I've been struggling with figuring out whether or not I should share more or less, if this open-bookness lifestyle is really worth it and good for me. Up until writing this I was feeling more of the "let's work on closing yourself up and stop sharing yourself so easily, okay? okay. ready, go."  

Buuuut here I sit, about to share some of my JOURNAL with you. lolwut.

I like to think my journal is full of some pretty great "wisdom", little drunken nuggets you could say. Since I can't have each and every one of you over for dinner and have these conversations with you, here's the next best thing. 

put it on the INTERNET YEAH! 

for example, on august 29th I wrote "I LOVE YOU SELF!" 

that's pretty cool, you guys. 

let me tell you something bigbigBIG.

that self love right there, ^^^ me being able to actually write out those four words...that's brand spankin' NEW and it feels SO GOOD. I'm finally living my life in a way I believe we all should. I want you to love the hell out of yourself too, think of yourself as the most beautiful creature to ever roll out of your bed every.single.morning, raccoon eyes and all. again and again and again.

I don't think we should waste a single second not loving ourselves. 

that's what we are, beautiful creatures with feelings and emotions and thoughts and we should each be heard. 

you are never ever alone, even on your loneliest, hardest of days.

so, for no particular reason besides me just showing up and being open and feeling like today is a good day to be vulnerable...here are some things I'd like to share with you, just because. 

Spend your days doing what makes you feel like it's of great importance to your happiness. Like it's required. or recommended. for your happiness - DO IT! 

it feels good and it makes your days extra great.

--------

I'm not wearing sunscreen. It's been a few hours since I've applied any. Yet here I am, sitting on the beach, the blistering heat on me, probably burning. June is drawing our scenery next to me, we're sitting on my favorite sheets of my parents - little sailboats and planes. reminds me of them. It's beautiful here. Taylor Swift's 22 just came on. We're about to sing so loud to this song, I just know it. Life is good. 

-----

I'm so lucky to have gotten away from him now, as early as I did. She was right, this is on him. HE is the toxic one, he told me that from day one. I hope his summer helped him with that, but it's not my business anymore. I can do so much better.

When I'm ready. 

My future person will pursue me, I'll never have to question his love for me, his feelings, nada. They will be good huggers and give them often. I'll feel safe in his arms and find home there. He'll respect me and my alone time and the time with my people. He'll be my main person eventually, but he'll know he's not the only one. He'll adore my sense of adventure and push me to never stop. He'll bring out the very best of myself everyday. He'll listen when I talk, call just to say hi and bring me flowers often, even when I don't deserve them. 

------

just led myself in SUCH an amazing yoga class in my room! Had my favorite yoga mat, all my favorite goodies next to me - set intentions of healing my loss - of fort collins, my 23rd year, all the heartbreak of this summer, loss of friends, etc. trying to focus on what I will gain from the rebirth that always comes after destruction. My candles are lit, incense burning, sleepy time tea next to me too.

It was special. It's mine. 

Pink Floyd came on - wish you were here.

missing my girls.  

---------

June and I are camping with the gang in Yosemite, everyone is napping, I'm hammocking. I'm left alone with my thoughts, sober, for the first time in too long. 

Yosemite makes me think of him, I miss him more than I wish I did. 

But I know now, I'm lucky. I'm so, so lucky to have had this amazing, incredible time with such a special guy. To feel love in a new, sacred way, to have learned all kinds of important life lessons from him. Truly eye-opening and life changing relationship is what he gave me. He showed me what the best looks like and he set me free to go find it - we both knew it wasn't in each other.

and that's okay. 

You are still worthy - of love. and happiness and joy and success. 

and they will all continue to come. YOU are doing this. YOU are surrounding yourself with beautiful people and things and experiences. YOU are coming up with ideas and making connections and new relationships. YOU are saying no to assholes who don't deserve your time. You are choosing what to fill your days with, your moments, your camera, your HEAD. You're listening to your body and your heart and you're crying when you need to and you're asking for help when it's necessary. 

YOU are worthy. 

of love.

and happiness. 

and joy.

and success. 

and good food and great people. YOU are the Prius driving, bike rack, tire changing TRAVELER. you can do hard things. You've done hard things your whole life. 

You've got this.

(and so do you.)

-------------

do things that provoke conversation. and thought. 

and feelings. 

-----------
I should start a blog post that says, "how it feels to be basically basic - only sometimes but not really" and it should talk about labels and how they don't really fit so well. Why do we need to label anything? ourselves, our actions, our feelings? Why do we have to fit anything into any kind of box? I have always wanted to fit into 2 different boxes (or 7, depending on the day, the music I'm listening to...) , but they've always conflicted each other. 
I'm making a new fucking box. 
----------

Today is the day. 

Today is our trauma day. 

7 years ago today.

She's on her way over and I already feel better.

I'm so lucky to have such a friend, to know her so well and build strength for myself through her. 

grateful. so $%#*$@ grateful.

--------

We need to catch these kids YOUNG because life is too damn short to not love yourself EVERY SECOND. 

---------
Earlier this month I said to my friends, "you guys. OMG. He unfollowed me on Instagram." 
*eyerollemoji* um. What kind of life am I living where THAT is a sentence that UPSET me?! (a good one, I know that much, but STILL!) I needed help with that - that someone who once loved me to the core and dropped everything to come to me once upon a time, also dropped me on social media. 
it deeply upset me.
which upsets me. 

there's so much more to life, c'mon now. 
------------

sometimes it's best to just leave the bandaid on. You know how it got there, you know what the wound looks like, it needs healing forever more. 

Just leave the damn bandaid on and stop peeking.

--------

She died today. 

In a one car car accident. I used to know her and have sleep overs with her in high school and she died today. 

She was too young. And kind and silly and strong, so strong. I don't even know her anymore and she died today. 

Today was the day June and I felt off. I was grumpy, something just didn't feel right. For what we felt like was no reason, but it got us to safety. My grumpiness got us home. It gave us a tomorrow, it gave us a clear reason eventually, as it always does. These are life's lessons, this is how we learn. 

We go and see and move and feel and the reasons continue to reveal themselves and life just keeps getting better. 

She died today, may she rest in peace. 

At such a young age, too soon to go. She impacted so many of us, in little and big ways, and may she continue to do so.

Thanks for getting us home. 

learning new

You guys. 

This summer changed me. 

Not only physically (hello nose ring & chopped hair!) but also mentally, emotionally, spiritually and all of the other above.

But I just don't know how to talk about it. 

I want to share about my time in Italy and Greece with Rachel - tell you about drinking with the locals, running around the city of Rome at night when all the tourists are gone. And about all the fun we had ATVing around Santorini in our swimsuits, swimming in volcanos' natural hot springs, drinking unlimited wine on a catamaran, making new friends and watching a gorgeous Greek sunset. 

I want to post each and every one of the pictures of Switzerland, the most beautiful country I've been to yet. and tell you what it was like to travel with my parents, how spontaneous and "go-with-the-flow" they were with me, how proud they were of me that my french came out and how good it felt to not have those 6 years of French go completely to waste. 

OOOHHH I want to share it all, I really do. but I don't know how.

I want to tell you how much that shooting incident affected me, while still small in the grand scheme of things, it turned huge in my world. I want to tell you jumpy it made me and brought on new, intense triggers for quite some time. It made me want to spend every single second with loved ones, embracing them as much as possible, because tomorrow isn't ever promised for any of us. Whether that means something as permanent as death, or a falling out or a goodbye, it reminded me of the importance of being in the now. 

I want to tell you how my time in Malawi seriously changed and impacted me, I think in at least 100 different ways, but it feels too cliche to ever say out loud. 

I want to tell you about how climbing 2 more 14ers and other random tough hikes throughout this summer made me feel like a BOSS, accompanied with other emotions about what our bodies are capable of doing...and about camping/being outdoorsy, what feelings of independence and NEW came with that.

I want to tell you about the river June, Ashley and I floated down, the conversations we had while stuck in traffic, looking at the joshua trees. I want to tell you about VIP night in Vegas, how dancing your heart out to skrillex is worth the sweat-ruined dress.

or about the time June and I got a flat tire in the middle of Nevada/nowhere in the middle of the night, how I was so determined to change that thing myself because I KNOW HOW and I'VE DONE IT BEFORE WTF! But we had to call AAA anyways and get help, even though were independent women dammit and we don't need no man! I want to tell you what that night did for me, as well as several of the following nights. 

I want to open up to you about how I feel about love these days and why - how I lost another love this summer, how it's been a harder heartbreak to heal from, how much it has taught me and how I've grown from it. 

I want to tell you how for the first time I think maybe ever, I think highly of myself. I found self-love - I want to tell you what it feels like, what everyday looks like for me with these new eyes, how positive self talk is the biggest game changer of them all.  

I think that was the theme of my summer, the general topic of love - for our selves, others, each friendship, this earth, everything. holy cow this summer, i learned a lot. 

And i just don't know how to talk about it. 

fear and togetherness and scary life moments.

This is my journal entry from flying from Greece to Switzerland to meet my parents. Having a blog sometimes feels like journaling, but I share completely different things with myself than I do with you, as I'm sure you can imagine. While I do consider myself an open book (sometimes to a fault), I know not everything needs to shared. However, this feels important and that feeling is one I try to listen to. Plus, I'm saving all my pictures to share when I get back, so why not another full post of wordiness and feelings. You've been warned. 

--------------------

I'm listening to "no lies, just love" by Bright Eyes, a song that has resonated with me in so many different occasions throughout my life. My thoughts are jumbled, I feel numb. My heart has finally slowed down, my hands aren't trembling anymore. I can still feel tears being fought back, but I know my body is saving them for that glorious moment of seeing my parents on the other end, because at that point it'll be happy tears and that'll mean I'll have made it. My brain is foggy and my head hurts. This must be me in shock. 

I've officially had what I would call my first near death experience today. 

My life didn't flash before my eyes, like I always thought it would, slideshow style with nice music. I didn't see a white light, like some people have said they have. I had seconds to go. to move. somewhere, do something. there wasn't time for anything, not even thinking. There was absolutely no time for this life of mine, 23 great years of this life, to flash for even a second. I had to act and I had to do it quickly. 

Sitting on the plane flying over Europe - There's a Greek woman behind me who is clearly terrified of flying as she's crying and shouting and flailing around while her adult daughters try to help calm her down. I want to turn around to her and tell her - we're safe here. This turbulence and shakiness is okay and I promise it's temporary. This is just us flying through the skies, we're going through the clouds. The big, puffy, white clouds that we all dream of sitting on someday as children. This, this mild bumpiness, is just a part of flying. I want to tell her that we're all in this together, that she's not alone and to squeeze her daughters hands tighter if she thinks it'll help. I want to tell her it'll be okay, that both of my parents are pilots, that the captain of this plane knows his shit and to not worry. I want to tell her to take a deep breath and to emphasize to her our safety, remind her that we only have to get through a little longer and then we'll be back on the ground. 

I want to tell her that just a few hours ago, I wasn't safe, so I understand her being afraid.  I understand the intensity of the fear I imagine she's feeling. I want her to know that when I walked into the plane, that's when I finally felt safe, similar to how she will feel once the wheels hit the runway. I want to share my experience of what had just happened in the Athens airport entrance. I want to tell her that the couple next to me, hugging and holding each other tightly, would usually make me roll my eyes and "gag", that I only half believe in love these days and coupley sights are my least favorite lately. But I saw them a fear hours ago too, they experienced what I experienced, so holding each other tightly only makes sense right now. I want to explain that up here, in the skies, with the clouds and the stars, this is the place to be. Down there is the scary place. Down there is where people can hurt each other so easily, where people die and hear bad news and feel the most pain. This flying thing is a relaxing time for most people, for a good reason - soak in the safety. 

I want to tell her I was less than 10 feet away from a shooter or a guy with a bomb just a few hours ago. That I had seconds to figure out what the fuck was happening and move, go somewhere else. Everyone dropped everything and ran. There were about 20 of us left inside, dispersed by the bathrooms, unable to run, unable to go to where it was "safe" because we would have passed the guy causing us danger. We were stuck. 

I had seconds to use the last few minutes of my wifi, to express what I thought could easily be my last words. all I could say was "there's a bomb in the airport. I'm hiding, idk what's happening, please tell my parents I love them." I didn't have time to tell that person I love them, I didn't have time to tell any of my people I love them. I was behind this wall, trapped in an enclosed hallway with a couple and a young boy named Lewis and his father. The men went out every once in a while to check to see what was happening and the girl and I hugged and shook and cried in each other's arms and we told the young boy everything would be okay and tried our best to stay calm so he wouldn't go chase after his dad. I'll never know her name, but that hug was everything, not being alone in that moment. All we could do was wait it out and hope for the best and be together in our fear. 

I want to tell this woman behind me in the plane that she's not alone in the fear. All she can do right now is wait it out and squeeze tighter. That she's never ever alone. To take the free wine and the chocolate ball that Swiss airlines provides and let it comfort her, because life is fragile and sometimes so out of control and that fear is valid and real. So let's get through it together, cause that's literally all we can do. 

--

"I wrote this for a baby, who is yet to be born, my brothers first child. I hope that womb is not too warm, cause it's cold out here and it will be quite a shock - to breathe this air, to discover loss. So I'd like to make some changes before you arrive, so when your new eyes meet mine, they won't see no lies, just love." - lyrics from above mentioned song, "no lies, just love" by Bright Eyes. 

Just love. I wish there could only be love and it hurts me that this world is so scary and full of fear and pain so SO often. Thanks to the love of her family and the flight attendants, the woman behind me eventually calmed down and was okay, facing her fears and getting through it like a champ. Thanks to the woman who gave me a hug and to my friends who answered their phone and cried with me before I left, I was okay. 

I'll never know what really happened today or why, if the man was sick or drunk or crazy or all of the above. I'll never know what his intentions were, If the backpack he left that was taken by the police was full of something that could have destroyed all of us or not. I'll never know what he was yelling about, or who it was who jumped on him and potentially/probably saved us all. 

This trip has taught me a lot about so many things, but I never expected to experience this. I feel reminded to live wholeheartedly, presently, and to practice love as often as possible. There needs to be more kindness in this world, more love for one another, more hugs and tight squeezes. It's nice up here in the sky, and even though it's maybe because we all went through security, I feel safe. And what a blessing that is. 

to someone that I used to know.

I drove by our old home the other day. 

The cute little white house with red trim on Cherry Street. The one I'm kind of shocked is still there...being built in 1900 and all. 

I wasn't alone, I don't think I could have done it alone. I avoid that street everyday, even though it would make my drive to work significantly faster...so I had to bring someone with me. 

It felt good to go back there, even for just a few minutes. 

He was holding my hand as we drove up to it. 

I said, "there it is! my favorite little house." 

I showed him where you built the fire pit and I told him how we used to have the best talks with our friends out there during the summer. I wondered if those friends are now your friends today, I haven't seen them. 

I showed him where we attempted to grow our first garden, but only got one little baby cucumber out of it - which we let go bad anyways - OOPS. My green thumb has gotten much better now, I have 10 happy plants just in my room alone! Vegetable garden will come next, I can only dream of that for now ;)

I showed him the window I accidentally shattered when I locked myself out because of that pesky lock we both hated so much. I told him the story of how I was standing inside with blood dripping everywhere when you got home and how all we could do was laugh and enjoy what happened to be our last new years eve together, and try not focus on how the hell we were going to fix it for the next few nights so we wouldn't totally freeze.

I showed him where my bike got stolen and told him yours did too, pointed out each window, including smoosha's favorite - where she used to sit and wait for us to come home everyday. We walked the old paths you and I used to go on walks together and went to the park where you tried to teach me how to play tennis. So many stories came back to me and I told him each one. 

It was weird to remember you.

It was weird to be telling someone about you, showing someone new our memories, reminiscing on you and us and that place, that life we had together. 

It feels like a completely different life than the one I'm so happily living now. 

I'm a month away from having a master's degree, I've successfully lived with all kinds of roommates for over a year now, I've gotten to know and love myself in a completely different way than ever before. I've had more little heart breaks and relationships, I've said goodbye to good friends, I've planned a trip of a life time, I've pierced new holes in my face and even dyed my hair purple. I've developed strong feelings for another human being and gotten closer to them than I ever allowed myself to get to you...all things I used to think I could never do without you. Then again I did used to believe I would literally turn into dust if we were to part, so I'm glad that piece wasn't true. 

But I'm still here. I'm still so okay. 

And dammit, that feels good.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being a part of my story. 

writing and re-writing my own map

filling my days with good coffee and even better music. self-care done right heyyy. ;)

I've been reading a lot more lately than I probably ever have in my entire 22 years of life. The books I randomly chose off of my book list turned out to be far from random and it really feels like they actually came floating into my lap as a gift from the universe while I was sleeping. They have been just what I needed to hear in this time of my life and during this transition. I am again amazed at how things keep falling perfectly into place - I have this realization about 672 times a day and it continues to awe me to the core every. single. time.

I have yet to finish either of these books, but that is not about to stop me from recommending them. Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed and Contents May Have Shifted by Pam Houston. 

so so good. I personally am way into 'self-help' books. I hate the negative connotation that the genre has, but I think we should all continuously be working on ourselves and trying to be the best version's of us we can be. So far these two books have been beyond helpful in that regard. I've taken little blurbs from each book so far and they have sat with me and been repeated over and over in my head. I'm also starting to get a little mad at myself for not being interested in reading earlier in life - but hey, better late than never right?

I read this quote a few days ago in one of the two books:

"unexpected things still happen, even when everything is mapped out." 

I've known this, I've experienced this before, yet I find so much more truth in it now than ever before. 

I had my life planned out, every detail  that could be planned, was. When the 'big life events' would occur, how old I'd be, what my life would most likely look like. But, I had no idea this completely out of the blue, unexpected life event was going to happen to me. not me! I was one of the lucky ones, finished searching for my "fish-in-the-sea" early on, I got to avoid the whole dating assholes and weirdo's thing wahoooo! 

I was planning on getting my Master's next May and then starting on the life we had set out for us. Traveling everywhere possible, followed by a beautiful, small and simple wedding, wearing that one type of ring I fell in love with that one night we were looking, having two children because no way in hell we'd put our child through the loneliness of not having siblings our age like we had to go through. The type of parents we would be together, the kind of house we were going to live in, and more and more and then some - every little detail of that plan is gone and has evaporated now. I'm tearing up at the thought of that, because that life probably would have been so good. but the unexpected happened. even though it was all mapped out. 

and now, from here, I just have to make a new map. And instead of covering my walls and filling my life with this map, I'm going to just add to it little by little. and consistently change it and maybe sometimes throw it all away and start over with a new map. 

because I can. 

It's my map and only mine. And that thought...that reality - - feels so refreshing and so exciting to the point that I could scream (I've honestly considered finding a roof to stand on and screaming, wondering if that would solve my overwhelming happiness feelings). This past week I've been dancing in my car more than I ever have, been smiling and experiencing happiness at a completely different level than I've seen/felt before. I feel like I could explode, having found this new independence and freedom. It's sooo weird to me, what a different and smaller, less-full map feels like. I've been 'crying' for such different reasons now, because I can't take the amount of happy built up inside of me, that actual tears of joy must be released. Please someone PLEASE tell me they've felt this too?! Is this just what pure joy and loving life feels like? Don't tell me it's temporary! haha I also wouldn't be surprised if I'm going crazy, maybe that's just the next stop on my map. ;)

Not even sure what this post turned into or how it got here. It started off with me posting pictures of my sweet smooshabelle, because she is temporarily being babysat for the next month or two while I move around and I miss her dearly. But instead, this! You will have to just wait to see pictures of her, apparently. :) I guess I'm just happy to find some acceptance in this new life plan of mine and needed to share that. 

See what best friend visits do? 

So grateful for this life. and for all of you. 

thankyouthankyou.