having something to say.

I haven't been here in a while. 

a long while, it seems.

it feels weird - to sit here - with this blank white page staring back at me - hoping I can fill it with words. 

with feelings and thoughts. 

to sum up whatever it is I've maybe been avoiding to say. or to somehow find the words to express whatever mass amount of feelings that have been living on inside me, while this blog, this page, this space, has not. 

I've been wanting to come back here, back to this place. 

to share with you (and you and you) about whatever it is I'm able to share. 

whatever it is that keeps you coming back.

whatever it is that gets you to check up on me, either here or in real, human-to-human life, asking me if I still do this, if I still write, if i still blog. 

I've been trying to find the balance of over sharing and staying private - figuring out where it is that I fit. Knowing myself now in a different way than I have before, figuring out where this blog fits in this life of mine. 

I'm still an open book.

I still overshare.

I still sometimes turn nice, happy moments into uncomfortable, silent ones almost effortlessly and mostly very accidentally, by sharing tidbits about my job or my personal life or a feeling or thought I've had. 

I still turn on "my therapist"ness with my friends and family and other people I may interact with, far too often. 

I still call and text people when I'm thinking about them, just to say hi. 

I still write furiously in my journal.

I know I have something to say. many things, in fact. 

I just feel like I've lost my voice. 

I think it's temporary - because here I am, trying.

In the brief time that I've been away from this space, we've moved into a new year, we've gotten a new president...I've moved homes, I've driven across the country three times, I've left the country and ugly cried not wanting to come back. 
I've narrowed down what it is I'm looking for, for the time being at least...I've gained a little muscle and more emotional strength and have gotten a face full of freckles, all which I hope will last longer than a week. I've yelled and screamed and been angry at the people close to me. I've sobbed and felt hopeless and small. 

I've watched movies and listened to new favorite songs until I've hated them. I've welcomed new people into my life and said goodbye to many toxic ones. 

I've fallen in love with yoga and how it makes me feel and clears my brain. 

I've helped move my grandma into a home and have watched my families' strength through that process. 
I've celebrated holidays with welcoming strangers and given some of my favorite, best thought out gifts to some of my favorite people. I've taken smoosh to the vet too many times -_- and have finished incredible books. 
I've held hands of people who have just had a heart attack and sat next to those who felt like they couldn't make it another day. I've watched the sunset almost nightly and looked at the stars and the moon as regularly as I can think of it. I've been awakened by the sunrise and a pink pikes peak and have had many slow-to-start mornings, my fav.

I've despised and hated men close and far from me, all while longing for the day I find a new one to love, wishing I could have someone to come home to, missing those years in my life when I did. 
I've taken and failed a really important test and have since procrastinated taking it again. I've felt used and been stalked and been afraid of my families' safety. I've felt welcome and loved with people I've met a single time.
I've climbed multiple mountains in these few months and have gone on hikes that are more beautiful than the last.

I've interviewed and applied, and applied and interviewed and have been rejected over and over and over. I've said no to some job offers and strange men too, and coffee dates with friends I used to sort of know. I've completed an incredible training that I'm anxious to put to use and have opened my own therapy practice. 
I've wanted to stop caring and to check out for moments, stop being the adult in the situation and be carless like the people around me. I've felt under qualified and belittled as well as big and important and capable of helping and initiating positive change. I've supported and been there for my upset friends, even when I needed it from them the most. 
I've slept for 2 hours a night, tossing and turning, and 14, dreaming and snuggling with smoosha. I've gotten life changing compliments and support from strangers and those I love the very most. 
I've had my perception of life flip flopped and warped and changed and tweeked and warped and changed all over again. 
I've kept putting one foot in front of the other and making the best of the tough days and moments. 
the last few months have been FULL, can you tell?

life is sooo so good lately, I've been learning and growing and taking care of myself and it's GOOD. but the hardness of it all, the brutalness and unfairness of life, still continues on.
but I refuse to surrender my days to the definition of bad - only allowing moments to do so, and not ever full days. we can know this horrible, awful stuff, whatever it may be, is happening, we can feel that in our deepest point, it can shake our soul and scare us for what's to come. we can be in that pain, that intensity and feel it...and then do something about it - even if it's just taking that next breath - that exhale - and moving forward. yes we are small but our actions can be big, much bigger than us. sulking in the sadness is only beneficial for so long. 
having bad moments doesn't have to take away the good days. life is too short for a long string of bad, in my opinion. 

and that's just life, right?
that's how it is. 

back and forth and back again.
as one of my favorite storytellers put it - it's brutiful - beautiful and brutal. 
there can still be beauty in the brutal pain - you just have to want to find it. 

this, too, shall pass, my friend, as it always seems to do <3 

Some of the Good Stuff about Alzheimer's

As some of you know, I've spent the last month or so in Northwest Arkansas - puttering around, getting to know a new area, soaking up fall in a different place other than Colorado (Arkansas is only just okay at fall, Colorado takes the gold there. ;)).

While here, I get to spend most of my time with my grandmother, which has been quite a treat. 

I make us eggs most mornings for breakfast. We talk about the weather and the leaves and different people and how they are each day. 

I get to tell her about my parents a lot, which I love. 

We sit at her window and watch the cars drive by, talk about how funny cars look these days, how weird it is that most of them have 4 doors now. 

We look at her old pictures and I show her mine too.

Sometimes she tells me stories of how much fun her and my Grandpa used to have, how they'd hop in a car at any hour of the night and just go. 

We remind each other often of what a great man he was, how all of us kids have high standards for what a marriage should look like now, all because of them and their love for each other.

She talks about her oldest girlfriends and how she doesn't know if they're even alive anymore. I tell her about my best girls too, tell her "thank you for reminding me to hold them close forever and ever and always write down their new addresses or phone numbers." 

She tells me about her brothers and her parents, how terribly she misses them. She remembers her childhood every now and then - what it was like growing up on the farm, being daddys' girl. 

We have that in common.  

She's grateful for those memories now, the good ones that come back every now and then. 

She asks me who I am everyday in one way or another. Some days she understands I'm her granddaughter, other days she just knows I'm a friendly face. 

No matter what she thinks, she's happy to have company and I'm happy to have her happy. 

We get to know each other over and over a little bit each and everyday. 

Somedays I'm successful in getting her to go outside with me too. 

Sometimes we just go for a drive to get her out of the house. Or to the lake or recycling center, or end up at a park or the grocery store for more ice cream. 

Grandma and I eat a lot of ice cream. 

Today I took her to a park right by her house. I walked her dog down the street a ways as she stood and watched us. At one point when I looked back at her, she was looking up at the enormous, beautiful oak trees filling the sky. The wind blowing down the yellow leaves on us, the weather was perfect - a chilly, fall crisp in the air but the sun shining bright.

She looked extra small and her face was in awe - silent wonderment. 

like the beauty of this massive tree stopped her and stole all of her attention. 

For a moment, she forgot about me - she stopped worrying about her dog or where her purse was. She focused in on the tree and all it had to offer and looked completely fascinated at this enormous, beautiful thing in front of her.

 Alzheimer's, at the very least, makes a person slow down, slowing down others around them too - all of the sudden there's time and reason to stop and notice the simple, now "new-to-you" things, despite how often you've seen it before.

 recognizing life's beauty over and over and over again. 

She slows down and she slows me down with her, just by being in awe - by being curious. 

 While I wish I could give her all of her memories back and take away this awful disease, she is continuously teaching me to enjoy the little stuff, which I think she'd be very happy about. 

each day here looks quite similar, but I seem to be learning something new everyday.

today's reminder to slow down and enjoy the view, even if you see it everyday, was a good one.

thanks for being a great teacher, grandma. ;)  

xo

learning new

You guys. 

This summer changed me. 

Not only physically (hello nose ring & chopped hair!) but also mentally, emotionally, spiritually and all of the other above.

But I just don't know how to talk about it. 

I want to share about my time in Italy and Greece with Rachel - tell you about drinking with the locals, running around the city of Rome at night when all the tourists are gone. And about all the fun we had ATVing around Santorini in our swimsuits, swimming in volcanos' natural hot springs, drinking unlimited wine on a catamaran, making new friends and watching a gorgeous Greek sunset. 

I want to post each and every one of the pictures of Switzerland, the most beautiful country I've been to yet. and tell you what it was like to travel with my parents, how spontaneous and "go-with-the-flow" they were with me, how proud they were of me that my french came out and how good it felt to not have those 6 years of French go completely to waste. 

OOOHHH I want to share it all, I really do. but I don't know how.

I want to tell you how much that shooting incident affected me, while still small in the grand scheme of things, it turned huge in my world. I want to tell you jumpy it made me and brought on new, intense triggers for quite some time. It made me want to spend every single second with loved ones, embracing them as much as possible, because tomorrow isn't ever promised for any of us. Whether that means something as permanent as death, or a falling out or a goodbye, it reminded me of the importance of being in the now. 

I want to tell you how my time in Malawi seriously changed and impacted me, I think in at least 100 different ways, but it feels too cliche to ever say out loud. 

I want to tell you about how climbing 2 more 14ers and other random tough hikes throughout this summer made me feel like a BOSS, accompanied with other emotions about what our bodies are capable of doing...and about camping/being outdoorsy, what feelings of independence and NEW came with that.

I want to tell you about the river June, Ashley and I floated down, the conversations we had while stuck in traffic, looking at the joshua trees. I want to tell you about VIP night in Vegas, how dancing your heart out to skrillex is worth the sweat-ruined dress.

or about the time June and I got a flat tire in the middle of Nevada/nowhere in the middle of the night, how I was so determined to change that thing myself because I KNOW HOW and I'VE DONE IT BEFORE WTF! But we had to call AAA anyways and get help, even though were independent women dammit and we don't need no man! I want to tell you what that night did for me, as well as several of the following nights. 

I want to open up to you about how I feel about love these days and why - how I lost another love this summer, how it's been a harder heartbreak to heal from, how much it has taught me and how I've grown from it. 

I want to tell you how for the first time I think maybe ever, I think highly of myself. I found self-love - I want to tell you what it feels like, what everyday looks like for me with these new eyes, how positive self talk is the biggest game changer of them all.  

I think that was the theme of my summer, the general topic of love - for our selves, others, each friendship, this earth, everything. holy cow this summer, i learned a lot. 

And i just don't know how to talk about it. 

fear and togetherness and scary life moments.

This is my journal entry from flying from Greece to Switzerland to meet my parents. Having a blog sometimes feels like journaling, but I share completely different things with myself than I do with you, as I'm sure you can imagine. While I do consider myself an open book (sometimes to a fault), I know not everything needs to shared. However, this feels important and that feeling is one I try to listen to. Plus, I'm saving all my pictures to share when I get back, so why not another full post of wordiness and feelings. You've been warned. 

--------------------

I'm listening to "no lies, just love" by Bright Eyes, a song that has resonated with me in so many different occasions throughout my life. My thoughts are jumbled, I feel numb. My heart has finally slowed down, my hands aren't trembling anymore. I can still feel tears being fought back, but I know my body is saving them for that glorious moment of seeing my parents on the other end, because at that point it'll be happy tears and that'll mean I'll have made it. My brain is foggy and my head hurts. This must be me in shock. 

I've officially had what I would call my first near death experience today. 

My life didn't flash before my eyes, like I always thought it would, slideshow style with nice music. I didn't see a white light, like some people have said they have. I had seconds to go. to move. somewhere, do something. there wasn't time for anything, not even thinking. There was absolutely no time for this life of mine, 23 great years of this life, to flash for even a second. I had to act and I had to do it quickly. 

Sitting on the plane flying over Europe - There's a Greek woman behind me who is clearly terrified of flying as she's crying and shouting and flailing around while her adult daughters try to help calm her down. I want to turn around to her and tell her - we're safe here. This turbulence and shakiness is okay and I promise it's temporary. This is just us flying through the skies, we're going through the clouds. The big, puffy, white clouds that we all dream of sitting on someday as children. This, this mild bumpiness, is just a part of flying. I want to tell her that we're all in this together, that she's not alone and to squeeze her daughters hands tighter if she thinks it'll help. I want to tell her it'll be okay, that both of my parents are pilots, that the captain of this plane knows his shit and to not worry. I want to tell her to take a deep breath and to emphasize to her our safety, remind her that we only have to get through a little longer and then we'll be back on the ground. 

I want to tell her that just a few hours ago, I wasn't safe, so I understand her being afraid.  I understand the intensity of the fear I imagine she's feeling. I want her to know that when I walked into the plane, that's when I finally felt safe, similar to how she will feel once the wheels hit the runway. I want to share my experience of what had just happened in the Athens airport entrance. I want to tell her that the couple next to me, hugging and holding each other tightly, would usually make me roll my eyes and "gag", that I only half believe in love these days and coupley sights are my least favorite lately. But I saw them a fear hours ago too, they experienced what I experienced, so holding each other tightly only makes sense right now. I want to explain that up here, in the skies, with the clouds and the stars, this is the place to be. Down there is the scary place. Down there is where people can hurt each other so easily, where people die and hear bad news and feel the most pain. This flying thing is a relaxing time for most people, for a good reason - soak in the safety. 

I want to tell her I was less than 10 feet away from a shooter or a guy with a bomb just a few hours ago. That I had seconds to figure out what the fuck was happening and move, go somewhere else. Everyone dropped everything and ran. There were about 20 of us left inside, dispersed by the bathrooms, unable to run, unable to go to where it was "safe" because we would have passed the guy causing us danger. We were stuck. 

I had seconds to use the last few minutes of my wifi, to express what I thought could easily be my last words. all I could say was "there's a bomb in the airport. I'm hiding, idk what's happening, please tell my parents I love them." I didn't have time to tell that person I love them, I didn't have time to tell any of my people I love them. I was behind this wall, trapped in an enclosed hallway with a couple and a young boy named Lewis and his father. The men went out every once in a while to check to see what was happening and the girl and I hugged and shook and cried in each other's arms and we told the young boy everything would be okay and tried our best to stay calm so he wouldn't go chase after his dad. I'll never know her name, but that hug was everything, not being alone in that moment. All we could do was wait it out and hope for the best and be together in our fear. 

I want to tell this woman behind me in the plane that she's not alone in the fear. All she can do right now is wait it out and squeeze tighter. That she's never ever alone. To take the free wine and the chocolate ball that Swiss airlines provides and let it comfort her, because life is fragile and sometimes so out of control and that fear is valid and real. So let's get through it together, cause that's literally all we can do. 

--

"I wrote this for a baby, who is yet to be born, my brothers first child. I hope that womb is not too warm, cause it's cold out here and it will be quite a shock - to breathe this air, to discover loss. So I'd like to make some changes before you arrive, so when your new eyes meet mine, they won't see no lies, just love." - lyrics from above mentioned song, "no lies, just love" by Bright Eyes. 

Just love. I wish there could only be love and it hurts me that this world is so scary and full of fear and pain so SO often. Thanks to the love of her family and the flight attendants, the woman behind me eventually calmed down and was okay, facing her fears and getting through it like a champ. Thanks to the woman who gave me a hug and to my friends who answered their phone and cried with me before I left, I was okay. 

I'll never know what really happened today or why, if the man was sick or drunk or crazy or all of the above. I'll never know what his intentions were, If the backpack he left that was taken by the police was full of something that could have destroyed all of us or not. I'll never know what he was yelling about, or who it was who jumped on him and potentially/probably saved us all. 

This trip has taught me a lot about so many things, but I never expected to experience this. I feel reminded to live wholeheartedly, presently, and to practice love as often as possible. There needs to be more kindness in this world, more love for one another, more hugs and tight squeezes. It's nice up here in the sky, and even though it's maybe because we all went through security, I feel safe. And what a blessing that is. 

3 more letters to the name!

Well, folks. 

I have officially completed my masters degree! 

MSW (Masters of Social Work, for those of you who are wondering :) ) has been added to the name and I can finally breatheeeee. 

and chill. lots of chilling shall now commence -- I am currently watching the movie how to be single and cuddling with smoosha, so I think I'm pretty good at it (and yes, I'm officially admitting to the crazy cat lady lifestyle for the next 2 weeks. It's a good one). 

So what's next you ask? 

I say goodbye to Fort Collins this week and sobbbbb. and THEN I leave for Malawi in 13 days and get to see SHANNON in 15! I. can't. wait. to see that woman. and from there, EUROPE! 

Adulting can come eventually, right? right.

Follow along on Instagram and/or Snapchat, if you wish (@hklaugh for both)!

Thank you all for the love and support so many of you have given me this past year. Couldn't have done it so "smoothly" without you! true, true story there. thankyouthankyou.

Here's some pictures from the day and from all the weekend celebrations!

 ^^^ our 4th & 5th grade teacher! So grateful to still have a great relationship with her!

a mother's day post

mama mama. 

oh my word, what would I do without you?

you've been my rock, my best friend, my go-to person when I need a laugh, a hug, a lunch date buddy and everything else under the sun. 

thank you for inspiring me always in every which way possible.

for giving me the inspiration and desire (and skills) to travel and see this world - for living your life to the fullest and spending money on plane tickets instead of mani/pedis, leading me to do the same. for dreaming really big dreams and then following them, even when you're not 23 anymore.

I am so proud to be such a mama's girl and I'm forever grateful for the relationship we have, even after my horrible, bitchy teenage years. You've stuck by me and supported me through it all, words can't begin to describe how thankful I am for that. We all know I would be nowhere if it wasn't for you; editing my papers all these years (almost finished with that wahooo! ;) ), answering my phone calls at 2am, driving up to see me just because, planning the best vacations in the world...you manage to do it all and then some, which will always impress me!  

thank you for being my biggest fan, supporter and teacher. my very best friend no matter what, and the world's greatest travel buddy. 

I love being your daughter more than any other title I have. If kids got to choose their moms, I'd pick you 100 times over, again and again.

looking forward to seeing you in three days for mother's day celebration round two. :) 

love you the mostest! xo