fear and togetherness and scary life moments.

This is my journal entry from flying from Greece to Switzerland to meet my parents. Having a blog sometimes feels like journaling, but I share completely different things with myself than I do with you, as I'm sure you can imagine. While I do consider myself an open book (sometimes to a fault), I know not everything needs to shared. However, this feels important and that feeling is one I try to listen to. Plus, I'm saving all my pictures to share when I get back, so why not another full post of wordiness and feelings. You've been warned. 

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I'm listening to "no lies, just love" by Bright Eyes, a song that has resonated with me in so many different occasions throughout my life. My thoughts are jumbled, I feel numb. My heart has finally slowed down, my hands aren't trembling anymore. I can still feel tears being fought back, but I know my body is saving them for that glorious moment of seeing my parents on the other end, because at that point it'll be happy tears and that'll mean I'll have made it. My brain is foggy and my head hurts. This must be me in shock. 

I've officially had what I would call my first near death experience today. 

My life didn't flash before my eyes, like I always thought it would, slideshow style with nice music. I didn't see a white light, like some people have said they have. I had seconds to go. to move. somewhere, do something. there wasn't time for anything, not even thinking. There was absolutely no time for this life of mine, 23 great years of this life, to flash for even a second. I had to act and I had to do it quickly. 

Sitting on the plane flying over Europe - There's a Greek woman behind me who is clearly terrified of flying as she's crying and shouting and flailing around while her adult daughters try to help calm her down. I want to turn around to her and tell her - we're safe here. This turbulence and shakiness is okay and I promise it's temporary. This is just us flying through the skies, we're going through the clouds. The big, puffy, white clouds that we all dream of sitting on someday as children. This, this mild bumpiness, is just a part of flying. I want to tell her that we're all in this together, that she's not alone and to squeeze her daughters hands tighter if she thinks it'll help. I want to tell her it'll be okay, that both of my parents are pilots, that the captain of this plane knows his shit and to not worry. I want to tell her to take a deep breath and to emphasize to her our safety, remind her that we only have to get through a little longer and then we'll be back on the ground. 

I want to tell her that just a few hours ago, I wasn't safe, so I understand her being afraid.  I understand the intensity of the fear I imagine she's feeling. I want her to know that when I walked into the plane, that's when I finally felt safe, similar to how she will feel once the wheels hit the runway. I want to share my experience of what had just happened in the Athens airport entrance. I want to tell her that the couple next to me, hugging and holding each other tightly, would usually make me roll my eyes and "gag", that I only half believe in love these days and coupley sights are my least favorite lately. But I saw them a fear hours ago too, they experienced what I experienced, so holding each other tightly only makes sense right now. I want to explain that up here, in the skies, with the clouds and the stars, this is the place to be. Down there is the scary place. Down there is where people can hurt each other so easily, where people die and hear bad news and feel the most pain. This flying thing is a relaxing time for most people, for a good reason - soak in the safety. 

I want to tell her I was less than 10 feet away from a shooter or a guy with a bomb just a few hours ago. That I had seconds to figure out what the fuck was happening and move, go somewhere else. Everyone dropped everything and ran. There were about 20 of us left inside, dispersed by the bathrooms, unable to run, unable to go to where it was "safe" because we would have passed the guy causing us danger. We were stuck. 

I had seconds to use the last few minutes of my wifi, to express what I thought could easily be my last words. all I could say was "there's a bomb in the airport. I'm hiding, idk what's happening, please tell my parents I love them." I didn't have time to tell that person I love them, I didn't have time to tell any of my people I love them. I was behind this wall, trapped in an enclosed hallway with a couple and a young boy named Lewis and his father. The men went out every once in a while to check to see what was happening and the girl and I hugged and shook and cried in each other's arms and we told the young boy everything would be okay and tried our best to stay calm so he wouldn't go chase after his dad. I'll never know her name, but that hug was everything, not being alone in that moment. All we could do was wait it out and hope for the best and be together in our fear. 

I want to tell this woman behind me in the plane that she's not alone in the fear. All she can do right now is wait it out and squeeze tighter. That she's never ever alone. To take the free wine and the chocolate ball that Swiss airlines provides and let it comfort her, because life is fragile and sometimes so out of control and that fear is valid and real. So let's get through it together, cause that's literally all we can do. 

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"I wrote this for a baby, who is yet to be born, my brothers first child. I hope that womb is not too warm, cause it's cold out here and it will be quite a shock - to breathe this air, to discover loss. So I'd like to make some changes before you arrive, so when your new eyes meet mine, they won't see no lies, just love." - lyrics from above mentioned song, "no lies, just love" by Bright Eyes. 

Just love. I wish there could only be love and it hurts me that this world is so scary and full of fear and pain so SO often. Thanks to the love of her family and the flight attendants, the woman behind me eventually calmed down and was okay, facing her fears and getting through it like a champ. Thanks to the woman who gave me a hug and to my friends who answered their phone and cried with me before I left, I was okay. 

I'll never know what really happened today or why, if the man was sick or drunk or crazy or all of the above. I'll never know what his intentions were, If the backpack he left that was taken by the police was full of something that could have destroyed all of us or not. I'll never know what he was yelling about, or who it was who jumped on him and potentially/probably saved us all. 

This trip has taught me a lot about so many things, but I never expected to experience this. I feel reminded to live wholeheartedly, presently, and to practice love as often as possible. There needs to be more kindness in this world, more love for one another, more hugs and tight squeezes. It's nice up here in the sky, and even though it's maybe because we all went through security, I feel safe. And what a blessing that is. 

3 more letters to the name!

Well, folks. 

I have officially completed my masters degree! 

MSW (Masters of Social Work, for those of you who are wondering :) ) has been added to the name and I can finally breatheeeee. 

and chill. lots of chilling shall now commence -- I am currently watching the movie how to be single and cuddling with smoosha, so I think I'm pretty good at it (and yes, I'm officially admitting to the crazy cat lady lifestyle for the next 2 weeks. It's a good one). 

So what's next you ask? 

I say goodbye to Fort Collins this week and sobbbbb. and THEN I leave for Malawi in 13 days and get to see SHANNON in 15! I. can't. wait. to see that woman. and from there, EUROPE! 

Adulting can come eventually, right? right.

Follow along on Instagram and/or Snapchat, if you wish (@hklaugh for both)!

Thank you all for the love and support so many of you have given me this past year. Couldn't have done it so "smoothly" without you! true, true story there. thankyouthankyou.

Here's some pictures from the day and from all the weekend celebrations!

 ^^^ our 4th & 5th grade teacher! So grateful to still have a great relationship with her!

to someone that I used to know.

I drove by our old home the other day. 

The cute little white house with red trim on Cherry Street. The one I'm kind of shocked is still there...being built in 1900 and all. 

I wasn't alone, I don't think I could have done it alone. I avoid that street everyday, even though it would make my drive to work significantly faster...so I had to bring someone with me. 

It felt good to go back there, even for just a few minutes. 

He was holding my hand as we drove up to it. 

I said, "there it is! my favorite little house." 

I showed him where you built the fire pit and I told him how we used to have the best talks with our friends out there during the summer. I wondered if those friends are now your friends today, I haven't seen them. 

I showed him where we attempted to grow our first garden, but only got one little baby cucumber out of it - which we let go bad anyways - OOPS. My green thumb has gotten much better now, I have 10 happy plants just in my room alone! Vegetable garden will come next, I can only dream of that for now ;)

I showed him the window I accidentally shattered when I locked myself out because of that pesky lock we both hated so much. I told him the story of how I was standing inside with blood dripping everywhere when you got home and how all we could do was laugh and enjoy what happened to be our last new years eve together, and try not focus on how the hell we were going to fix it for the next few nights so we wouldn't totally freeze.

I showed him where my bike got stolen and told him yours did too, pointed out each window, including smoosha's favorite - where she used to sit and wait for us to come home everyday. We walked the old paths you and I used to go on walks together and went to the park where you tried to teach me how to play tennis. So many stories came back to me and I told him each one. 

It was weird to remember you.

It was weird to be telling someone about you, showing someone new our memories, reminiscing on you and us and that place, that life we had together. 

It feels like a completely different life than the one I'm so happily living now. 

I'm a month away from having a master's degree, I've successfully lived with all kinds of roommates for over a year now, I've gotten to know and love myself in a completely different way than ever before. I've had more little heart breaks and relationships, I've said goodbye to good friends, I've planned a trip of a life time, I've pierced new holes in my face and even dyed my hair purple. I've developed strong feelings for another human being and gotten closer to them than I ever allowed myself to get to you...all things I used to think I could never do without you. Then again I did used to believe I would literally turn into dust if we were to part, so I'm glad that piece wasn't true. 

But I'm still here. I'm still so okay. 

And dammit, that feels good.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being a part of my story. 

lots and lots of pictures from the road trip to the E A S T

Hello and happy March! I've been taking it easy over here lately because I think all the stress has officially caught up to me and I'm thinking maybe this time my head might actually explode, so I suppose it's time to slow it down. That being said, I finally am giving myself the opportunity to post pictures from the road trip Gabi and I took almost 2 months ago!

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We packed up her car with all of her necessities and a maybe-not-so-happy hedgehog to take on the 34 hour road trip to the East Coast! For a move we all hope is somewhat temporary ;) Even many weeks later I'm still kiiiind of in denial that she's not 7 minutes away from me...but we'll get there. in theory. :) Considering a good chunk of our time was spent in the car, we were able to cram in a lot of sight seeing and adventuring - and that, my friends, is my kind of trip. 

^^ onward! we met at 8 am at a Taco Bell (if you know us well at all, that's quite fitting...) and started our trek! We didn't hit any bad weather, but we did have to rearrange the car a few times because those car racks in the above pictures lasted for about 2 hours. Still grateful for Gabi's dad encouraging her to not cram her car just because there was room and that no one was behind us when they made their dramatic exit, phew! 

 ^^ sight seeing day one! Once we got to New Hampshire we spent the first day wandering around Gabi's new area. We felt like we needed some beach time even though it was freezing -- worth it. Nubble Lighthouse and Wiggly Bridge! 

 ^^ Sight seeing day two! We drove an hour south to walk around Boston! We ended up taking a tour of the Boston Tea Party museum, threw some tea boxes overboard, walked around the city - fully embracing the tourist look - we had a beer at the cheers bar and then ended up on the Harvard campus in Cambridge! We only walked around Harvard Yard since that's all time would allow for, but boy oh boy, was it beauuuuutiful!

^^ this is right outside of Gabi's house... and I'm talking you walk out the door and cross the street and bam OCEAN. So naturally we had to play on the rocks for a bit with a selfie stick and the camera I brought. And us being the Colorado girls we are, not so used to oceans you could say, we did end up forgetting about that whole "high-tide-thing" and almost lost all of our cameras and phones to the water. Thankfully getting soaked ourselves by running back to shore is a much easier 'oops' to fix than losing all of our devices ;)

 ^^ CANADA! We spent 24 hours in Montreal, Canada and it might have been the highlight of the week for all 3 of us. We stayed in an adorable and cozy airbnb for the night. Our host was a nice man from France who recommended great things to fill our hours with. We took the metro to Old Montreal to see the city, ate at a pizzeria where we shared a bottle of wine and got to cut the pizza with scissors (we were surprisingly stoked about this...is this a thing that we've just missed out on for all these years?!), I fell in love with a floral wall because HELLOOOO that wall is beautiful...we ate at Tim Hortons and embarrassed ourselves terribly for being so American, tried poutine for the first (and last) time, practiced the very little french we knew (merci, 6 years of French...meh!), and went dancing at a gay club where each floor had different music playing - we had all of the fun. Quality 24 hours for. sure. I'm already excited to go back.  

and last but not least, the stunning view from Gabi and Evan's new living room window. She's one lucky girl moving from one beautiful state to another! 

Thank you Gabi and Evan for starting my year off with such a wonderful trip! I miss you both everyday! <3 

And thank YOU, as always, for swinging by :)